What happens when someone posts on Quora, asking whether Kenya has internet? Well, you guessed it, there’s a backlash.
This time around the backlash was in the form of sarcastic comments from Kenyans. A few responses tried to understand that the one who posted the question may have just been ignorant and gave appropriate answers but the funny ones were the sarcastic ones and that’s what we focus on.
Here are the best responses to the question, “Does Kenya have internet?”
No sir, I am in Kenya right now and I can assure you my tree (in which I eat, sleep and spend my days) has no internet whatsoever. If any of my neighbours in the forest and the posh bourgeoisie idiots in the caves had any internet I would have known it by now through the daily smoke signal send out by our chief’s son.
The chief was recently consumed by an hungry bear-tiger hybrid. It’s a very sad story and we don’t talk about it. I myself I’m no stranger to disaster. A vulture made away with my fingers when I was still a baby sleeping in a nest. I am currently typing with my tongue. A no easy feat.
There a rumours in the grapevine that we may get dial-up in the next century. If we manage to live that long. Ebola, Aids and one which shall not be named are already in our midst. It will be a miracle if we make it that far.
So in conclusion sir. We do not have nor will we have any internet any time soon.
I live in Kenya and no, we don’t have internet.
Smoke is the most efficient mode of communication here since our rudimentary languages are not developed enough for any coherent communication. It’s quite dangerous though since our treehouses don’t like fire so much and there can be no smoke without fire – unless you have a car which Kenyans don’t.
Here is how we send our smoke messages –
- Grey smoke – someone is dead
- Dark grey smoke – someone died of aids
- red smoke – someone died of ebola
- Green smoke – someone died of hunger
- Yellow smoke – A lion ate someone.
- Purple smoke – Someone died of malaria.
- White smoke – someone fell from their tree house and broke their neck.
Now tell me why we need the internet when we can send all the messages we need to send just with smoke?
No. we just communicate through drums, smokes, blowing of horns, screaming even interpretation of various sounds like when the lion wants to hunt we make our move towards the prey just to compete with it and birds movements. we write our messages on leaves and send messengers. the crucial ones we use our respected wizards on healing we just go our witch doctors.
I have just seen a cheetah trying to make its move on one smoking delicious-looking antelope let me make my move and see who will be the first to have it before cheetah makes me go hungry for today.
most Africans have superior ability to shout a message to cover up to 40kilimeters distance…apart from that we share a very strong intercommunity link that we know each person living within up to 50km radius…so if I want a message to reach my cousin Mugambi who lives 100km away,i will climb my tree house and call out my aunt Makena who lives 40km away,and request her to call out my uncle Kinyua who lives 40km away from her and pass the message,Kinyua will then call out and shout my message to my recipient who lives 40km away from him,hence my message will habe travelled 100km away…clear?
No. We use black magic, pigeons, night runners, and shouting across ridges to communicate. In fact, right now, I’m on top of a baobab tree to reply you via black magic while cayman-alligator-crocodile monster of a hybrid is busy trying to make a meal of me.
So yes, forget what everyone else here has told you, there is no internet, no roads, no phones, no shoes, just plain old, Flintstone-esque life here.
Excuse me let me chase this rabbit I make supper (that’s dinner for you)